Faecal Fun For Formal Parties

If you have just opened this page from an internet search because of the tag words, I apologise. This is not a porn site. Nor does it contain any conspiracy theories or advice on any question of voting. It is not selling you anything…except possibly a membership in the Backstabbers Guild of Australia. Good day and good luck.

Now, as you have continued reading, let me cast your mind back to a motion picture called ” Caddy Shack “. A teenage comedy confection of 1980 that had bad taste as the prime goal and succeeded marvellously. The scene involving Bill Murray as the maintenance man cleaning out a supposedly-contaminated swimming pool is possibly the funniest faecal joke in cinema. Just as the baked bean scene in ” Blazing Saddles ” tops the record for the celebration of flatulence. I am unsure about urination, but there must be a definitive joke about that on the screen somewhere. I only know a printed version involving Wilson Mizner.

Aside: Wilson was real, and a Bad Boy when that was not good. At one reform school where he was sent he discovered the janitor had secreted a case of beer behind the furnace and was drinking it day by day. Wilson commenced prising the top off bottles  and drinking the beer himself …and then filling the bottles back up with urine.

Eventually he was caught by the school authorities and hauled up for discipline – drinking beer on school grounds. He insisted that he drank no beer. The Principal accused him of lying, saying that the bottles were full of beer. Wilson said it wasn’t beer.

Whereupon the Principal angrily unstoppered one an took a long swig to prove Wilson wrong.

Wilson was right.

Anyway, back to the pan. Do not believe any of that old guff about Glad-wrapping the toilet bowl at a party. It is an urban myth. No-one ever fell for that one.

However, it is entirely possible that an enterprising member of the BGA could go to a joke shop and purchase a fake turd. Made of plastic, rubber or plaster, these can be remarkably realistic. The Mexican ones are best as they really know the genre.

Drill a hole in the turd and load it with lead shot or ball bearings. Seal the hole. Convey it to someone’s party when you next go out and slip into the loo when no-one is looking. Drop it into the toilet, where it will sink to the bottom like a German dreadnought in Scapa Flow. There it will stay, with no amount of flushing able to shift it. Everyone who visits later will have to gaze at it and wonder.

You need not stay for the whole party, but the time you spend there will be rewarding.

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