Good Drinking, 99…

If you are going to drink, you need to do it cleverly, lest it overwhelm you. This is bad, though not as bad as drinking and finding that it underwhelms you. Once you lose the taste for anything the world turns a little greyer.

As you get older – older than 19 years – you’ll discover that there are better things to drink than Porphyry Pearl. There are better things to drink than Fosters. But be careful where you search for alternatives – the gardening aisle in Bunnings is not recommended.

Someone once said that you should only drink the finest liquors. As these are the most expensive ones, I suspect the person giving the advice was in the pay of the brewery or distillery. Of course you can drink the lesser liquids. They are as much a vehicle for the ethanol as the pricier ones, and often approximate them so closely that you begin to suspect that the vat has two spigots – only one of them has to pass by the accounting department before it gets to you.

If you drink good wine, drink it slowly and savour it. You will never become a drunk, as the wine is too expensive and you will be too slow.

This also applies if the wine is the cheapest and sourest vin ordinaire. Drink it slowly to avoid the taste. You’ll be just as sober and not so out of pocket.

It’s only the middle ground vintages that are dangerous. You can afford enough to drink them fast and they will overtake you on the road and hit you with a short club.

Finally, do not be surprised at anything that happens to you while you are drinking. You may fall in love or lust – you may see the vile nature of your desires – you may have a brilliant idea for losing money. None of these emotions or thoughts came from the alcohol – it merely dissolves the paint coating over them and allows you to see them. They are in you all the time.

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