I just realised that the title of this essay may be misleading. It is not meant to be a guide for popular journalism or entry into Federal Parliament. It is dedicated to a more private level of vile behaviour.
The novice who wishes to take up untruth as a hobby or part-time job needs to make it clear in their own mind whether they expect to obtain money, advantage, or other valuable consideration from the act – or whether they just wish the thrill of the thing. Either approach is quite valid, but newcomers make things much more difficult if they try to mix the motives too early in their career. Advice: pick one and stick to it.
First off – the pure lie – told with innocent grace and kindly intent. ” Do these pants make my bum look big ? ” is often a good place to start. Even if they make the wearer look like a Pickfords van backing out of an alleyway, always say ” No “. After all, the wearer is responsible for the bum; the viewers responsible for the derisive laughter. You are just a middleman and need not concern yourself with the consequences. Think of yourself as fashion version of Werner von Braun – you just shoot them up and need not concern yourself where they come down…
If this seems to be dangerous -after all the pants wearer may well turn on you – consider putting on an Akubra hat and a pair of moleskins and lounging around a venue popular with Asian tourists. If you are sufficiently wrinkled and tanned, tourists will take you for a local and ask for directions to the botanical gardens or their consulate. You have a wonderful opportunity to direct them to the worst parts of town in the safe knowledge that they will be far away when they discover they have been had.
Do not hesitate to lie to children and the elderly in the mistaken belief that they are frail or innocent. We have seen what both groups get up to when no-one is looking, and you need have no qualms. It will be difficult enough work as the young believe nothing and the elderly hear nothing. A lie shouted is never as satisfying as a whispered one.
Do not lie to policemen, doctors, or judges as they all three hold more punishments in store than you really want to investigate. You may lie to lawyers, real estate agents, and used car salesmen all you like. They will be doing the same to you and the exchange can be refreshing and artistic. You may both burst out laughing at times.
Next Essay – Lying For Money.