The Backstabbers Guild Guide To Marketing

There are two parties involved in marketing – the seller and the buyer. Only one of them needs to be polite, kind, and honest at any one time. It is always nice when they both are, but sometimes you have to settle for less. Technically it is also possible to have both sides act in a mean, dishonest, and greedy fashion, but only if you are conducting negotiations between large nations.

If you are going to be selling something – goods, services, or indentured labourers – you need to be cheerful, open-faced, and welcoming. You need not have decent merchandise, adequate service, or valuable laborers but the smile and the glad hand are essential. A snappy uniform or suit of clothes also helps.

Research your customers – not only do you want to know the things that they desire, you also want to know what they wish to avoid. If you can find out uncomfortable facts about them, all the better…the garment of merchandising has many strands interwoven and some of them can be made into nooses.

Make sure your offer is plausible as well as attractive. No good offering unicorns if you cannot deliver them. If they are mail-order unicorns, however, you may be able to get two weeks to clear the cheque and flee the country. As with all comedy acts, fraud requires an acute sense of timing.

Consider whether you are going to have to offer a warranty. This is required by state and federal laws for any sorts of goods you sell, and can run up to a year from the date of purchase. Illegal goods and services, however, are generally free of any of this nonsense and once you have the money you can toodle off. Consider whether you fancy being all that moral all that much…

And finally, remember that the most successful salespeople never take ” no  ” for an answer. You can recognise them in the emergency ward at the hospital as the interns and nurses try to remove the other answers that they have taken from their bodies. Turn away if you are squeamish.

 

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