SSSSV Motor Vehicles

Or ” Finally telling yourself the truth…”.

Calling a motor vehicle a 4 Wheel Drive is pretty specific. If it does indeed drive from all four wheels you are correct – if it only uses the front or back ones then you are running a fraud. Not that I am criticising you in any way – federal governments are founded on fraud and look how well that has worked out…

Likewise calling it an ambulance – if it has stretchers, defibrillators, and tongue depressors – is all good. Whether you can actually save anyone’s life is another thing but at least you get to play with the siren.

Army tank also pretty well defines the steel box with a big gun. People can fiddle with the terms assault gun or tank destroyer but in the end it has tracks and a loud noisemaker and if you are at the receiving end of the shell the rest is just technicalities.

But where are we with the SUV – the Sport Utility Vehicle? It looks like a fancy 4 WD, but frequently bottoms out on a beer can in the road. It has minimal actual haulage space once one has given room over to complex transmission tunnels, spare wheel stowage, and articulated coffee trays. And no-one who owns one goes any closer to sport than to drop the kids at tee-ball on Saturday before heading to the hair dresser.

I propose that the brainless suburbanites who clog the car parks with their silver or black ” Grande Oplunezia Sportifissmo iTQ 56 ” be compelled to list their hulks as SSSSV rather than SUV. Suburban Shopping School Status Vehicle. Big enough to give the owners a sense of importance and bulky enough to shield them from the consequences of their own bad driving. The kind of car that tells people that you have arrived…and makes them long for your departure.

I would not deny the country-dweller and the explorer the comfort of the 4WD. They are useful and in some cases necessary modes of transport. But I would make sure that they were restricted to the country – perhaps a cordon of vehicle inspection posts ringing the metropolitan area with sharpened steel cutter bars set at a height that would allow an average sedan to pass but sheer the cabin off an SUV. It would solve the problem of trying to reverse out of a car park bay when the sods park you in.


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