I Want Your Money

I want $ 39,000. Not for any really specific purpose, but I think it would be nice to have. I’d like you to provide it, please.

Don’t be frightened – I don’t want it all in one lump sum from one person…though that would be convenient. No, I realise that a number of you are going to have to club together to contribute this sum to me. I am figuring about 1000 people  – each putting $ 39.00 in the pot. Note: This is a great bargain for American readers as I am perfectly happy to take it in Australian dollars, and they are at a low price now. Grab a bargain…me.

Now I imagine that you will want to get something for your money, and will want to know what it is. And no-one happier to tell you than I – you will be getting better. If you are bad now, you will be getting good, and if you are good now you will be getting better. I still have not figured out how to sell best but keep reading this column in the next few months and I’ll tell you when I crack it.

I am sidestepping complex federal food and drug laws, avoiding Commonwealth censorship ( no movies ), and the state electrical safety act ( this column is double insulated and the casing is ultrasonically welded together ). What I am selling is a word – and as Dr. Samuel Johnson is long dead, I fear no criticism.

The word has been inspired by the habit marginal health consultants have of using ” wellness ” whenever they want to sell something. Whether it be vitamins, fish liquids, powdered dust bunnies, or sticking your toe up your bum, it is always promoted with that word – ” wellness “. Presumably it is not oil or gas wellness, though it might be wishing-wellness. Well, I plan to go several stages better. If they can mangle the language for profit, so can I.

In future, instead of something as crude and antique as ” health “, ” good health “, or ” well-being ” as Dr. Johnson might have penned, we will be directed to seek something entirely more modern – a condition that takes into account supplements, exercises, consultations, crystals, bum-flushes, and intensive locked-door booster sales sessions.

We will have;

Wellocityousidficerizational – transdementional-interfaceistic-organicalmodism

And we’ll have in books, pamphlets, pills, potions, lozenges, and iPod broadcasts. It will be on everyone’s lips and mousepads, provided we can find big enough bits of foam rubber. It will totally shut down the medical profession, the paramedical business, and  the snake-oil racket. I can’t tell you how relieved the snakes are.

So send in your $ 39.00 right now and start using the word to dominate the dinner table. We guarantee that if you use it for two consecutive cocktail parties your social calendar will clear up faster than a teenager’s nose with turbo clearasil. You will never have to fight for space around the departmental water cooler again. You will walk deserted streets in every part of town.

And how much more ” wellness ” can you stand…?


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