The Very Last Minute


We are approaching Christmas and Christmas presents will need to be bought/made/grown/stolen pretty quick now.

The last-named on the list is not a joke. There will be a string of break-ins and burglaries around the metro area as the criminal classes provide for their families…and themselves. The television stations will have their police radios and informers tuned to the Christmas thieves channel for the next week as it makes such compelling – and cheap – watching. The actual cops out in the actual suburbs where it will happen can probably fill out the paperwork for it now in anticipation…

The shop assistants in the stores will be subject to an increasing pressure from the complaining public…who want to buy things now at january sale prices and then return them for cash at full retail. Tempers amongst the complaining public will become shorter and hotter as the day approaches and the crowds grow. The entitled will become more so, if that is possible. Shop assistants will drink, but not enough.

And we will have the Last Minute Men. These stalwarts of the St. Georges Terrace offices  will leave their Christmas shopping until 5:50 on December 24th. They will fly into Perth’s retail shops just as the doors are being closed and demand to be served. As they are St. Geo Tce lawyers and businessmen out amongst the rabble, they will demand to be served as if they were Louis XIV. I, for one, am prepared to agree to this, as long as that number is changed to XVI…

When I was in sales in the center of the city we watched Last Minute Men fly down Plaza Arcade and smash against the doors of the old Boans department store like so many angry insects at 6:00 on the 24th. It was a most heartwarming sight. St Geo Tce legalese is a language all its own, and most of it is short words.

Note: I do hope the Myer firm who took over from Boans long ago have the courage to shut the doors on time and hose the lawyers off from outside the building. It is one of the traditions of the holiday that should never be lost.

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