Hark! Hark! Hark! Hark!


Sorry about that. Something went down the wrong way. I think was a piece of mince pie – Harold Angel brought a plate of them in for the office party and I got a bit carried away. I should have stopped at 14.

I think they had brandy in them. Or possibly mescaline, if the spinning walls are any indication. I am sure that the double vodka surprises had nothing to do with it, nor the pinto of tequila. Perhaps it was just a bad prawn. I’ll be all right  if you will just hand me that potted plant and look away for a moment…

There. All better. You may want to wipe your shoes – it was a small plant pot. Bet you wish you hadn’t worn the open toe pumps today.

Well, what could be better than the Christmas holidays, eh? Chestnuts roasting on a steering wheel ( it is Australia in December, remember ) and the cheery sound of underage schoolies besieging the liquor outlets of Dunsborough. I think they made those scaling ladders in shop class. Great workmanship, and they’ll come in handy later when they do breaks in Armadale and Gosnells.

Have you got all your presents? I was smart – I wrapped up last year’s unwanted gifts and will be directing it on to other people this year. The only expense is a bit of wrapping paper and sticky tape. I’ve made an exception with the kittens – I’ll pop them in cardboard boxes with a cup of tuna pellets and a ” Guess Who? ” card and leave them on the doorsteps. A quick ring of the bell and the Christmas Surprise is complete for at least eleven households. I was planning to do fifteen this year but ran out of kittens – the last four will have to make do with two goannas, a dugite, and a rather surly duck. Well, it will be a surprise anyway.

We’re having all the family over for lunch. This year we are not going to serve any food or drink, but we are going to give everyone around the table a printed card saying how much we think of them and reminding them that they are now in sympathy with the starving masses in China. We got the cards from K-Mart and they are printed in China. People should start arriving about 11:30 and I imagine the day will peak at 11:45 when the cards are distributed. We’re expecting the crowd to thin out ( that’s appropriate ) at about 12:45 and when they’re gone we can send out for pizza.

At least we have a tree up this year. It’s a dinky-di Australian Christmas tree – an eight foot-tall Ghost Gum decorated with cockatoos and lizards and the traditional cow skeleton and rusted-out 1937 Ford ute at the base of it done in marzipan. The cat gave it one look and hid under the bed – we’re safe this year.

And there is going to be carolling up the street. Carol’s house is the one with the Pontiac on blocks out the front and the red light on the porch. She loves this time of year as she can entertain all night long. I figure about $ 200 of entertaining is all I can afford, so I’ll be home early.

See you then! Merry Christmas!


NOTE TO READERS:  Do not panic. I have not sold this weblog column to speculators – I have just chosen a different WordPress theme for it. The sister column at:


Also got a new theme and I think that this has cleaned up the visual impression considerably. Same old writing, though.



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