The second award to be instituted by the Backstabbers Guild of Australia this year is intended to recognize the tireless efforts on the part of members who wish to be seen as sympathetic to those less fortunate than they*. This is stirring stuff, and with a large spoon, too.
The Heart Of Sympathy has been likened to the American award for wounds in combat – the Purple Heart. This has sometimes been derided by the uninformed, and sometimes by the uniformed, but it is recognition that some people do put themselves into danger and then don’t duck fast enough. What is forgotten is that other armies do the same; the French award citizenship to some soldiers who have been wounded for France and the British award…that is to say they award…okay, they don’t award anything. But you have to remember that this is perfectly consistent with their policies regarding equipping and feeding their troops.
The Heart of Sympathy will most often be awarded to social media postings that cry for the poor. Urging others to donate money to governmental or private aid agencies will also count toward the award, though if the directors of any charities are found to be holidaying in Mauritius more than 8 times a year some points may have to be deducted. No deductions are made if all the money collected goes to pay the administrative costs because this is precisely the basis upon which the annual Backstabber’s Stiletto Appeal is conducted. We are venal, not hypocritical.
A question arose in the Guild Council meeting as to whether this award would also be presented past-dated or posthumously. As appealing as this may seem, we are saddened to say that our hearts bleed that we cannot do it. As a matter of Guild policy, the only thing we ever present to a grieving family is an invoice.
- Oddly enough very few people are sympathetic to those who are better off than they are.
Note: The Heart Of Sympathy is plastic, transparent, and cheap. A lesson to us all…