How To Win Fiends And Inconvenience People

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Dale Carnegie has been gone for many years but his legacy of social engagement and self-promotion lives on. His book might seem dated but the concepts he espoused are universal. So, too, are those of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia – like glitter or scrofula, we never really go away.

Dale was concerned with ways of making yourself more likeable and liked – the BGA operates on the other side of the highway. And we are every bit as keen on it as Mr. Carnegie – indeed we can give you our guarantee that if people do not shy away from you in disgust after 60 days of our treatment we will refund your money.

Now most people start out inherently likeable – if we weren’t, our parents would sell us on eBay. Even as young people we have certain attraction. Many of the young people I know attract dirt and unstable companions. We need to do something to counteract this, and it need s to be done on a regular basis.

This is where the BGA comes in. We can teach you all the moves that cause people to move away. We can give you mental halitosis. We can equip you handsomely for a life in the wrong.

Are you male? Caucasian? Awake? You can be in the wrong with feminists, socialists, and Al Sharpton right now from the comfort of your living room without doing a thing. In fact – you already are…Shame, Shame, Shame…

Are you a citizen? Are you an actual name on a voting roll? Do you have an identity that can be verified in a court of law? You are a blot on the escutcheon of the world, Sirrah, and must be blamed for whatever and whenever we want. Shame, Shame, Shame…

Are you going to persist in using the word Shame instead of changing it to Shaem in recognition of the intuitive-spellings countercultural collective? Shaem, Shaem, Shaem…

” But wait a minute ” you say. ” “I’m a coloured woman, I vote for the Democratic Party. I knit quilts. How could I be shamed? I’m safe. ”

Madam. You are alive. You are walking around dressed in clothes. You eat breakfast and read library books and drive a small sedan car. Trust us. If we can’t find someone who finds everything you do offensive, and is prepared to dissect it out into a series of bitter little Facebook posts, then we will give up making vitriol smoothies and take up knitting ourselves.

Did we mention that knitters are guilty?

 

 

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