Stealth Graffiti


I have a reader of this column who mentioned that he goes to his local Home Depot store to buy spray cans of clear varnish for  various DIY projects. Being the person he is, he commented at the front counter that it was for ” stealth graffiti “… and only one clerk ever got it. Retail hardware is a grim country –  its citizens are serious and hardened to life…

I note, however, that our local Bunnings – the Australian equivalent of Home Depot – has decided to unlock the spray can cage lately. The shelves of spray can paints and varnishes were kept behind steel mesh with a padlock to prevent unauthorised vandals from taking the cans to deface local walls. I can’t say whether this has been successful, though the local graffiti has decreased, but I guess that Bunnings staff found it all too hard to go over there and unlock the cage every time some pensioner wanted enamel to refinish a kitchen chair. So they have fallen back to the cashier line – presumably scanning every person who crosses the sensor for either a stolen can of Dulux or an antisocial attitude.

I hope it is the former, as I have the latter and would be caught every time. Come to think of it , most of the people I know are the same. The only thing that stops us from tagging the local telephone booths is the fact that there ARE no local telephone booths and we all have access to computers. We can be antisocial on a global scale and need not go out on a cold night in a hoodie to do it.

Back at the cage, I purchased a can of wood stain combined with varnish. It promises to make things look like polished jarrah in three coats. I have just put on the first coat and am nervous. I think it is going to make things look like scrabby shit.

Stained scrabby shit, mind. The instructions mention 24 hours curing time and then a light sanding before the second coat. Okay. I’m game. But if the second coat looks as bad as the first coat there is going to be some bloody extensive sanding, followed by a coat of enamel put on with a brush, and the rest of the spray can used to explain my concerns on the front of the Bunnings store windows at 3:00 AM. I must practise my tag…



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