Who Should I Marry, Daddy?

landscape

I’m glad you asked that, Princess. It’s time I told you the facts of life.

Never marry a man until you have seen his tool. In fact, make sure that you see all his tools. If he has both a straight screwdriver and a Philips head screwdriver that is a good sign. If he has a pair of Vise-Grip pliers that is a better sign. If he has a pipe wrench you can confidently name the day.

You see, you do not want to ally yourself with someone who has no clue whatsoever to do with his tools. I know it has been fashionable over the last forty years to look for someone who is empathetic and sympathetic, but remember that in the end, both words end with ‘ pathetic ‘. This is not the word you want to be thinking of beside a broken-down car on a country road or in the bathroom at 3:00 AM with a gushing water faucet. You want a man who can grasp a tool firmly and use it effectively.

You want riches? Make them? You want babies? Make them. You want security? Make it. And choose someone who looks like they can do the job.

 

Who Should I Marry, Dad?

I’m glad you asked that, Son. It’s time I told you the facts of life.

Marry a woman who can cook and sew.  Marry one who can raise a truck garden. Marry one who can shoot a shotgun without flinching. It’s up to you to do your best to see that she never has to do any of these out of dire necessity – but if she chooses to do them for pleasure or science, fall on your knees and thank Heaven.

Eat what she cooks. Wear the darned* socks. Haul soil and shit for the garden. Reload her shells. Do that and she’ll be warm enough on a cold night – trust me.

You want riches? Make them. You want children? Make them. You want security? Make it. And choose someone whom you can do it with – not in spite of.

  • * Unless they are nylon socks, in which case they are damned socks and when they hole, throw them out. Or be courageous and throw them out now.

 

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