The Theme Park Of Our Dreams…A Modest Proposal

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Those of you who are easily offended will enjoy the next six inches of copy. You will have every opportunity to go incandescent with rage. You may want to put a layer of paper towels down on the chair and ask the family to step out for an hour.

I want to propose theme parks for the world that allow us to fulfill our worst fantasies, rather than our best. (  Nine Flags To Hell, if you will. )

In the modern world we have all come to hate someone. They might be a different race, nationality, or religion – they might be a different economic class or adherents to a different political philosophy – whatever…we hate them. But we are constantly enjoined to bury our differences and love them and cherish them and…and…and it is load of cobblers. We hate them. The horrid thing about it is that we are not allowed to express our hate or do anything about it – it sits in us and festers.

Well I propose that we see a multi-national organisation set up a chain of theme parks throughout the world to provide an enriching experience for those who hate without allowing it to go overboard. As a social safety net it should be just about perfect.

Say you are in Turkey and hate Kurds. Have hated them for years. Will hate them forever. Well you go along to our registered theme park: KurdWorld…and you pay your $ 75 at the gate and are let into an authentic recreation of  a Kurdish village. Houses, public buildings, open spaces…as good as the real thing. And it is peopled by trained actors who portray Kurds. But the secret is that they are also skilled acrobats and stage performers. They are trained to be able to absorb blows and not come to harm. So you can wade into them with fists and cudgels until you stand panting with exhaustion. You get the satisfaction of beating up on them and subjecting them to ‘ misery ‘ with the reassurance that you cannot do any lasting harm.

Now the same applies to whites, blacks, Asians, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Inuit, or any other division of mankind. You can hop in and whale away at Quakers, Mexicans, Liberals, Conservatives, or Germans to your heart’s content. Foam rubber weapons are available for hire at the gate and you can purchase disposable rubber gloves if you are afraid of getting any bodily fluids on you as you have fun.

Walt Disney never had it so good…mind you, if Walt had made a theme park where he could punch labour leaders and left-wing politicians he would probable still be going today. Fantasyland and Natureland were never this much fun!

For my part I am hoping that they will open a local theme park that allows me to beat up on pacifists. They’ve been responsible for all the peaces that we’ve been plagued with and it’s time they were made to pay for it. To the barricades!

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