How To Get More Traffic

catdog

Easy. Just drive out on the flaming road at 8:00AM. I’ll guarantee more traffic – more traffic than you have ever seen.

I was taken aback when I saw this headline on one of the click bait side panels for Facebook. Then I realised that the grinning fool depicted was trying to get us to send him money so that we could find out how to get more people to read our websites or weblog posts. His technique seemed to involve a small moustache and a glass of wine – much like something that Terry Thomas or George Cole might do. And I’ll bet the advice he would proffer would have all the probity of theirs.

I have attended seminars that addressed this topic, and I found myself wishing I had not. At the end of the first hour I experienced a desire for strong drink. At the end of the second I was looking for carbolic soap to wash out my ears. At the end of the third hour…well I have no idea what they were saying, because I was not there.

It was not that the advice was illegal, but more that it was disreputable. Sleazy, if you will, in a carefully analysed commercial sort of way. Manipulative, and I am not sure whether I was meant to do the manipulating or to let myself be pawed over. Not that I am averse to being pawed, but I expect a couple of drinks beforehand.

We all want people to look at us, unless we are engaged in stealing an ATM machine. Attention is money to us, and ego inflation, and validation of our existence. What we tend to forget is that attention in certain circumstances can bring handcuffs or counter-battery fire. We would do well to decide just how much of any of these we really want…before we give that shout out.

I have decided that my strategy to get more traffic will be to show kittens doing things to puppies. It seems to work on Facebook, and as long as the supply of small fuzzy animal babies holds out, success is ensured. Of course the kittens and puppies will grow up to be squalling, smelly, poop machines that will eat me out of house and home and crowd me out of bed but that is the price you pay for fame.

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