Personal Goals…And Most of them Are Offside…


I have decided to bear my sole. A couple of hours stitching claws onto the shoes and it should be complete. The footprints in the sand at the local park should make for some memorable police reports…

On another note, I am commenced upon a process of reform. Once I have arranged my life in perfect order I shall be doing the same for others. As with all revolutions, it will be necessary to have secret meetings, cells of conspirators, and passwords. No, actually, scrub that last idea – I cannot even order apps because I cannot remember my Apple password. Adding more will just lead to further chaos. When I want the door to the plotter’s secret lair opened I will just shout out ” Open the @@#*!! door. “.

Okay, to start with, I need to list my life goals:

a. Become a hazard to shipping in the Channel.

b. Go deer hunting with the Dalai Lama.

c. Eat my weight in chili.

d. Invent a word that eventually gets banned from the New Oxford Dictionary after a personal protest from Gordon Ramsay.

e. Bring back steam trains. Between continents.

f. Introduce a new invisible component to food – one that is so exclusive that only rich people can afford to become intolerant to it.

g. Live in the 18th century for a year.

As you can tell, I am ambitious, but not impossibly so. I realise that revitalising steam trains will be a big-money quest and I am not nearly scientific enough to actually invent a new food chemical. But I am resourceful enough to invent the fear of it, and that may be all that is needed to create a culinary reign of terror. What I have to do is pick a mild disease and attach the food to it and let the publicity machine do the rest.

Now with the Dalai Lama, as soon as I get him to admit that there is a better cartridge than a 45-70-500 we will start to make some progress. He’s a cheerful sort, but set in his ways. Not everyone wants to shoot buffalo rifles.

As  far as the 18th century goes, this would be perfectly fine in many northern countries that had architecture, science, literature, arts, and conversation in the 1700’s. Australia had only the convict settlements and the brutality of  a frightened colonial rule. Not a great deal of fun re-living it. I should remove myself to rural England, France, or North America and take a small cottage in an area that had no electricity  – the Amish country would probably be suitable. A housekeeper and day servants would be all the  help needed and the diet, habits, and daily routine could be adjusted to the period. I should have no books or prints newer than 1799, and no music but what might be made by live musicians. Ah, but what might be written in pen on paper…and painted on canvas…

Note – I should choose a country cottage with scheme water and an WC. I am not a fan of 18th century disease.

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