As the Right Evil Bastard of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia I am often presented with appeals from members of the general public for redress against evildoers. This arises from what I feel to be a mis-understanding of the basic premise of the Guild. We are not here to protect you from your enemies. We are here to show you how to protect yourself…by destroying people BEFORE they become enemies. We are here to teach you how to murder your friends.
There are as many ways of doing this as there are Baskins-Robbins ice cream flavours – though most of what we preach is not as good as the salted caramel. If you are going to attack people one of the basic things you are going to have to learn, however, is how to protect yourself against countermeasures.
You are going to have to assume that everything you say will be noticed and that you will be called to account for this by either a legal body or the wider court of public opinion. You must secure your position beforehand by one of a number of ploys:
a. Play on age. Let people know that you are too young to be taken seriously before you attack them. If they respond you scurry behind your puberty and squall. Alternately, you work the ” I’m old and I don’t need to be nice to anyone anymore ” pedal as hard as you can. This is better done post-attack and you can then use pictures of Bea Arthur or Clint Eastwood to distract people.
b. Establish credentials with a ghostly third party. Claim to be religious and to enjoy the protection of divinity…even if the things you do are far from divine. At the very least you can say that you are merely repeating the teachings of whichever ancient legend is currently in fashion. Pick a legend that is not readily explainable.
c. Put a protective barrier of illness up and crouch behind it. This is the equivalent of setting up a shield on a battlefield and loading your crossbow from behind it – sort of a mental pavise. You can paint what you like on the front: from anxiety to full-blown madness….whatever. You can even get away with physical ailments as long as they don’t show up on X-rays. The details are not important – what is vital is that you can duck behind it when someone shoots back.
d. Remember the old story-telling ruse – so often seen in Hollywood – that was invoked when an author ran out of ideas or painted his characters into such impossible plots that there was no way out. The publisher merely inserted ” And then he woke up and found it was all a dream…”. You can use this when caught out in some vileness – just say that it was all imagination and then tell people they have NO imagination or they would have seen that.
e. Dress oddly and act oddly for long enough that someone takes note. Then whenever you need to retreat from what you have said or done you can claim to be artistic. If you have a watercolour set you can claim to be an artist.
f. Never wade into an infantry assault when you can call in the artillery…or better yet, an air strike. When you want to be offensive or bigoted on social media, post other people’s reposts of whatever troublesome material you can find. It will still be nasty, but you’ll be wearing several layers of protection against being smirched by handling it. After all, it was just something you saw…
g. ” It was all a joke ” is one of the best quick throw-away excuses to try. In some cases it works, particularly if you accuse your now-enemy of having no sense of humour. It’s a dangerous defence though, as having cited humour, you are subject to it as well. Do not do this if your opponent has a ready wit – it will redound.
h. Can you cry? If you can you may be able to turn the tables on an opponent by the simple act of tearing up. Not so good if you are a nose-dribbler at the same time or experience the need to urinate. Pathos and bathos are too closely aligned.
Please be aware that there are also some standards connected to publishing – whether it is on the internet or in some more tangible form. Indeed, the electronic media is the more dangerous; anything said to your disadvantage may be stored for a thousand years and then trotted out to your embarrassment. And as it has a wider broadcast of good, it also has a larger spray of bad – and the subsequent penalty for that may be higher. Even if it only involves people seeing that you are a fool, your folly will be that much more evident.
All this having been said, it is still refreshing to see the number of Guild members who are prepared to go out there and defame, slander, and libel. It keeps the courts happy and the rest of us can concentrate on daily living. If there is the occasional fist in the teeth or writ in the mail, it os a small price to pay for demonocracy.