Beat Me Censusless…


Overseas readers may have picked up on the tail of the Australian census story yesterday when the computer mechanism that was to account for the doings of 20,000,000+ Australians in one single day popped a fuse and went cold and dark. We all tried to do the right thing by the country and fill out our census form on-line and only 48 of us managed to do it before the pooter spat the dummy.

There were dark mutterings about overseas hackers and denial of service and compromised data and the disappearance of that crispy bacon we got before the war…but the word has gone round that it was not secret Chinese hackers punishing us for winning a swimming race…it was the cheap-john budget setup that the Bureau of Statistics set up to do the job. Apparently you can overload an Atari 64 something chronic with 20,000,000 log-ons.

Heads will roll, and we are seeing the Prime Minister and cabinet deciding which ones they will be. Not THEM, you understand…someone further down the food chain. Cheaper heads.

I completed my on-line form tonight. I coped with the nefarious secret conspiracy questions designed to control my mind by the fiendishly clever ruse of opting out of the questions that were optional and telling the truth on the others. Having nothing to hide means I do not need to construct falsehoods and I can never be called to book if my memory of one lie contradicts another. And to be frank, I do not lead an interesting life anyway.

But at least now that I have done my job I can rest assured that poverty will be eradicated from the suburb, new schools will be opened, and volcanos will be prevented by an order from the city council. Not so sure about the last one. I have found volcanos useful in the past for attracting girls and lizards, and the small ones can be turned to good use as barbecue pits and floor warmers. The volcanos, I mean…not the girls.


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