During this last year I have noted that there are so many events scheduled for weekends that there are not enough weekends to go around – festivals, car shows, feasts, trips to country towns, birthdays, etc all crowd onto the calendar and frequently cancel each other out. For anyone save a Buddhist monk up a hillside in Japan, the weekends of the year are like getting caught in a football crush.
This must stop. Measures are hereby declared:
a. Birthdays are important to people and must be commemorated in some fashion. They do not, however, need to be the oyster knife that prises open every schedule. Therefore it is decreed that one day per year will be set aside to celebrate the birthday of EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING. Family, friends, horses, the expiry date on a banana cake – everything. It all gets done on one date in the year and then we can leave the rest of the time alone.
The savings in gifts, travel, and inappropriate eating will be enormous. As you cannot be everywhere at once, you must elect to be somewhere, and stay there long enough to deal with presents and eat yourself into a stupor. No need to do this every week.
b. Concerts and shows may need attendance for a number of reasons – familial, professional, artistic, sadistic, etc. These too will be combined into one day of public entertainment. Most people can manage one stage play, one symphony, and one movie in a day as long as the performances are punctuated by adequate toilet breaks. If you wish to leave early from any of the venues and go home and do some work for a change, this will be rewarded by having a clean home, adequate food, and ironed clothing.
c. Fairs and displays are frequently nothing but selling opportunities for the organisers. These too will be combined into a national day of greed. You can attend a regional centre for your fill of apple corers, financial products, new cars, sex toys, or quilting supplies. You can stay as long as you like and buy as much as you wish, but you will be forbidden to have it delivered. You must carry it with you.
d. Religions are a source of spiritual nourishment for may people but the contents of the cans they come in rarely list all the ingredients. In the case of the Baptists, it is mostly can-not anyway. One national day of piety should be enough – you may divide yourselves into opposing tribes and beseech your favourite supernatural being for your own welfare and the destruction of others during that day, but that is it. All the rest of the year you must bother your God privately. As a matter of fact I suspect a number of you bother God a great deal…
e. Patriotism needs a day, whether it is civil crying about how good we are or military crying about how good we were. A morning march up to the top of a steep hill to commemorate the one, strong drink served from barrels at the summit, and an afternoon spent stumbling and tumbling down to celebrate the other should just about do it. If anyone wants a Sorry Day, they can have it. The Indians can have a sari day and the people from Oklahoma can have a surrey day with a fringe on top.
f. Sex days are probably not necessary, seeing as the activity is generally catered to at night. It may be a good idea to have a national day of getting it out, scrubbing it clean, and putting it back again.
These measures, once implemented, should free up Australians for a good deal more enjoyment on the weekends. They will not have to haul themselves from one end of the town to the other to cater for parties and meetings and festivals. They can relax at home on the other days. And wait until you see what we are reserving for Wednesdays – it isn’t known as Hump Day for nothing.