Selling The Truth Part Three: Delivering The Bads


Whoops. That’s the auto-correct* mechanism in this blogging platform at work again. I did type “goods”. Really I did.

Whenever someone has paid for the truth, and you have made sure the transaction has gone through to the bank, and the bank clerk has bitten the gold coins to see if they are genuine, it is time to provide the service. The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia is nothing if not reliable. We can always be relied upon for nothing.

How do you tell someone the truth? In the case of wives and rulers of the Communist party of North Korea, very carefully. In little portions, lest it do them, and you, great harm.

Some truths are self evident, which means that all you have to do is wrap yourself up on the flag or the Constitution, or an asbestos blanket, and open the oven door. They’ll shine out and do good or ill without you interfering. No explanation is needed for a self-evident truth. If anyone does not understand it, that is their fault. Things like gravity come into this classification. They work all the time.

Some truths are so simple, once someone tells them. Many medical and most dental diagnoses are in this category, but you must get someone who is trained in that truth to tell it. No good getting your local homeopath to provide a three-surface gold inlay with bottles of water that have had teeth soaked in them. And it is a wise patient who accepts the truth when it is proffered – in some cases it is covered by Medicare and even if there is a gap payment it can be covered by selling one of the children.

Some truths are hidden. A lot of Queensland’s politics are like this, and in many cases no-one wants to buy them at any price. Do not be offended if a Banana Bender claps their hands to their ears when the truth comes out and runs away yelling ‘ Lalalalalala…”. They had Jo Bjelke-Petersen as premier for many years and lala was a state-sponsored thing. If you need to provide a hidden truth it is best to make arrangements for the person who buys it to “uncover” it themselves.

Some truths are unpalatable. Politics has a lot of these, and military decisions as well. Parenting truths are the hardest to bear, but parents are pretty hard in some cases. You can deliver the worst-tasting medicines with sugar…or a 20G needle…and you can make some of the most awkward social and family revelations acceptable as well provided you hit the right part of the skull with the needle. Practise, practise, practise.

Some truths are too good to keep secret. Too good to be true. Too good to keep to yourself.

See? You read that last sentence and didn’t snort chocolate milk out through your nose…you’re getting good at this sort of thing. Want to join the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia?


*In our case we prefer the auto-incorrect…


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