After months of trying to get my Facebook and personal friends to stop bombarding me with political memes, secondhand jokes, and personal bias in regard to the 2016 American Presidential election, I am delighted to announce that they will now be able to relinquish this topic and turn their attention to the Australian Federal election in a few months time. I am looking forward to the same memes, of course, with unflattering photographs of our local Members of Parliament substituted for those of the Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders.
I am also hoping for a number of postings that tell me that I will be instantly unfriended if I vote for whoever in Australia the poster does not wish me to vote for. An odd threat, that, because under Australian electoral rules it is illegal to:
a. Threaten another person at the polls.
b. Bribe another person at the polls.
c. Peer into the little cardboard cubicle to see what they other person has actually written on the ballot paper.
If you do these, particularly c., I’m pretty sure you get a ride in the divvy van and a morning with the magistrate.
In some cases you can also get unfriended for speaking well of anyone that the poster does not like. It is a delicate situation. Still, this is a adult society and a responsible one and it behooves us all to do our civic duty.
So it is with the greatest of pleasure that I am going to state my unequivocal support in the forthcoming polls for the Australo-American Labopublican Party. We have a fine tradition going as far back as. And we will be true our creed, forefathers, traditional owners, and future generations. We urge all loyal citizens to throw off the shackles, buckle down, swing into line, and heed the call. The banner of mass hegemony, free enterprise, manifest destiny, reconciliation, and bimetallism will advance through the dark clouds that overshadow our great land and forge ahead to the broad uplands of prosperity, the name of justice will ring throughout the land, and the spirit of the TINTACKS will never be forgotten.
It is with great pride and a sense of deep honour and great honour and a sense of deep pride and great, deep…stuff that I join the the Delegates-Elect from the Great States of New South Wyoming, Arizonadelaide, and Lower Wopping On The Mud in declaring our unequivocal, I say unequivocal, Boy, support for The People’s Favourites: Mr. Donald J. Trump and his running -mates Mr William Shorten and Mr Kim Jong Un!
I hear the great shout of acclamation for this – the people rise as one to applaud the choice of Heaven. The 1000-year reign will be one of peace and plenty with our enemies slain and their skulls converted into drinking cups. Children will strew the way with wattle blossoms and rose petals. Eurovison, The Block, and Pokemon will be streamed live from the arena 24 hours a day and the original recipes for Arnott’s Shapes, Classic Coke, and that really crispy bacon we got before the war will be enforced by federal law.
Let is now all bow our heads in prayer that this great crusading jihad will cleanse the world of all those who wish to unfriend us and hurl them into the sea somewhere near Bondi on a hot day when the tide brings the sewage back in. With any luck much of it will still be eligible for election in the next state parliament.
Never let us forget the momentous words of the Candaninian Prime Minister ” I’m not Pierre, eh? “