I am firmly putting my foot down and ordering members of the Backstabbers Guild of Australia not to vote for the candidate. Far too much has been made of this up to now and it is time to nip it in the bud.
Disregard the newspaper reports and the television sound bites. Never mind the candidates debate and the polls. Your Guild will tell you who to vote for, and will be checking later that you did the right thing. Woe betide the member who puts their X in the wrong box.
Of course, due consideration will be given to the preferential voting system and the trading of votes after the polls are closed. This is a normal and natural part of democracy and the Australian Way – think of it as the parliamentary version of meat pies and kangaroos. One contains the other, in many cases…
If you are at all concerned that the candidate that the Guild selects is not going to win in your constituency, contact the Guildhall and let us know. We cannot send out gangs to break the legs of rival supporters in every constituency – we need to target the most urgent ones. Now is the time to put in your request. In areas where we cannot guarantee to deliver your fracture in time we will post you a do-it-yourself kit consisting of a pick handle and a roll of smiley stickers.
We have received requests from Guild members who have dual citizenship about voting in European or American elections. This is fine – vote for the European candidate in America and vice versa. It will do them all good and provide welcome relief at the polling stations.
Please note: No interference will be exerted in determining the results of voting in the Backstabbers Guild of Australia elections. This would be unfair, unconscionable, and un-hygienic. As we never hold elections it would also be unnecessary.