” You Can Make A Curry Out Of Anything “

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The fool who said that has obviously not looked in our pantry lately. We are not starving, but I wouldn’t eat much of the stuff that is in there in a pink fit – and chopping it and swirling it together in a pot with some Yeo’s paste won’t make it better.

I admire Indian cooking – and enjoy my occasional forays to Indian restaurants to try their buffet. I have no idea how I should eat it, or what combinations of tastes are correct, but suitably beer-laved, it all tastes good. I am a little skeptical about some buffets that seem to feature more gravy than meat because I suspect they are skimping, but I can make a cheerful meal of bread and soppin’s anyway so if the soppin’s are tandoori-flavoured I am satisfied.

Now you seem to be able to subdue most meats, including mutton that is so old that it is carbon-dated by currying it. I am not a fan of fish curries but the chicken ones are fine, provided the chicken has meat as well as bone. Lamb is good, beef is probably not authentic ( Unless someone has eventually had it up to here with sacred cows obstructing the roadway and wants to assist traffic flow with a some chutney and nan bread…). I even like the vegetable ones as long as they are tasty. But I am aware that not every foodstuff suits the curry pot.

Eggplant. Aubergines. Purple, swollen, obscenities. The 1995 Ford Falcon GT of the vegetable world. They are hardy and cheap and should all be thrown into the sea.

Broccoli. I like broccoli, but not curried. It develops a gastric pressure that can only be relieved by voting for a Democratic presidential candidate and we live in a nation that does not have any of them.

And finally, you cannot curry cabbage. Not if you wish to live on the surface of the planet. You may curry eggs and excuse yourself and you may curry wire brushes and pine trees and Chrysler motor blocks, but you cannot curry cabbage. All the rest are digestible comestibles, but not cabbage.

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