Here at the Pink House* we have viewed with concern the controversy regarding the upcoming American presidential elections and the pre-convention campaigning by some political and industry figures. A great deal of anxiety has been caused within Australia – our dominion – with our subjects becoming distressed and urging their own opinions though the internet social traffic. If this is not addressed now the next few months will become increasingly frantic – therefore we are issuing Executive Order N0. 8.
Henceforth, Australian citizens over the age of 18 years and not currently debarred from electoral registration within the Commonwealth of Australia by reason mental incompetence, incarceration, or current legal proceedings, are prohibited from voting in Federal, State, or local government elections in any part of the United States of America. The only exceptions to this rule will be those citizens who possess some form of dual citizenship issued by the Department of State of the United States of America.
This order will insulate the United States from the effect of people who have no stake in their country calling their shots. It will also allow Australians peace of mind by decoupling them from the United States if it all goes pear-shaped and horrible. There is the small risk that the opposite may happen and Australians and other members of the Erstwhile British Empire** may be confronted with happiness and success in America, but this can be addressed by switching our gratuitous advice to other nations.
While this will in no way affect the right of Australians to express their opinions, it will free them from the delusion that their expressions have any actual effect on anyone. The relief this may afford will, we hope, be reflected by a return to traditional interests in ball games and beer. The more enlightened and entitled will, of course, be free to resume their publication of intense little art-house magazines and to the pursuit of adultery.
Please feel free to write to the Pink House and express your gratitude to the Chief Executive. Small gifts are also acceptable.
*The Pink House – Official residence of the Right Evil Bastard – Chief Executive of the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia.
** Erstwhile British Empire, formerly known as The Commonwealth, formerly known as The British Empire, formerly known as Anywhere We Could Land And Manage To Set Up Batteries Of Cannon.