A Free Gift From The Guild


The Backstabbers Guild Of Australia has a long and proud past – promoting treachery and uncomfortable feeling since its inception at the Smorgy’s Family Pizza Restaurant* in Victoria all those years ago. Year by year we have done our best to do our worst – in the case of the Oktoberfest celebration in Sydney it was our wurst – and by and large we think we have made he world a better place. People are more polite now, and more cautious, and tend to check their bank statements more closely.

We do not wish to think that The Guild has settled into a rut in these momentous times. Therefore the BGA has decided to produce a special Autumn Surprise Gift for the 184 friends who have accumulated on the Facebook account of the REB. These 184 people ned no longer languish in obscurity. They do not need to lead lives of dull conformity. The Guild will liven things up for them. And it will not cost them a cent.

Briefly, in these contentious times there are a number of figures who have captured the imagination of the masses – figures who either hold real power or threaten to acquire it by fair means or foul. They attract, in their turn, the obloquy of the press, and eventually become larger than life and worse than all possibility. They suffer stress, pass it on to others, and badly affect the entire society – all on nthe basis of having no friends. Here is where the BGA can make a difference.

The REB of the BGA has, as we said, 184 friends on the Facebook list who can help out with this alienation. He has made a list of world leaders and celebrities who need a little love and is going to send a kindly note pledging the faith and support of the 184 friends to whoever needs it. Thus, the leader of North Korea may get a very personal note from one of the belly dancers who form such a large group on Facebook -firmly supporting his stand against the running dogs of imperialism and urging him to fire a missile at Osaka. Another Facebook friend – perhaps one who takes an interest in American politics – will find themselves sending warm greetings and two dollar bills to Mr. Trump with the hope that he will remember him or her when the election happens. This sort of thing cannot fail to win hearts. He’ll remember.

The spiritual need not feel left out. I plan to get a hat and to put the names of all those who have urged religion or spirituality upon me in the last 5 years or so into it. Every week I will draw out one name and send a strongly worded call for repentance or conversion on their behalf to whoever has been in the news that day. It cannot fail to obtain results. Don’t thank me – it is nothing. All the return mail will be coming to you anyway.

Even corporations and government departments need love. For those members of the 184 friends who miss out on cajoling a religious leader or befriending a hitherto unloved politician we will have special list of organisations that will be surprised and gratified to receive a letter from you. Have you ever thought to support the KKK? Or Monsanto? Or the KGB? Well this will be your chance. And you can be sure that they will take notice and get back to you…

And there is no need to do a thing. It will all be done for you, in your name. You will go to sleep one night in peaceful obscurity and wake up next morning to news crews and a federal policeman at your front door. How cool is that?

  • Note: The Smorgy’s was a blind choice as to a founding place, but we can assure you that it was entirely appropriate for the BGA.




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