Idly glancing over the menu Boards tacked to the wall at a bistro, I came across a cocktail list. While I would hesitate to come near any of the things advertised for fear they would touch my skin, I would not hesitate to watch as you tried one. They included:
The Gin Surprise. Note, this is not an English gin or a Dutch gin. This is an Australian gin and if you have ever seen one of them you would be willing to swear off surprises for ever.
The Pineapple Brandy Fizz. Yet another reason to carpet-bomb Queensland.
The Red Bull Martini. For when cardiac arrhythmia seems like quite a reasonable choice.
The Double Coffee Espresso Kahlua Martini. One of the few cocktails that actually actually has grounds. If you drink enough of them they become grounds for committal.
The Rumalito. Noalito. Notinapinkfitalito. Goawayalito.
The $ 45 Worth Of Whatever It Takes. Tell the truth. This was an online date, wasn’t it? And you don’t have a computer…
The Adult Shirley Temple. Old, flat, and disillusioned. Perfect cocktail for Wednesday before Pension Day.
The Funky Chicken. No-one has ever ordered one of these but the bartender is still hopeful. Grim, but hopeful.
The Tek Screw. The Screwdriver but with no orange juice – just booze. Faster and rougher and drills its own holes in your clothing.
Long Island Iced Toluene.
Beer In A Bucket. You get a straw, a little umbrella, and someplace to put it all back later…
Gin And Tomic. Be prepared to talk tennis.
Uncle Francesco’s Home Made Grappa. We have an uncle Francesco who has invested in the bar. If you order this we will serve it but the staff refuse to listen to you after you drink it.
FIFO Fizz. Overpriced, only available periodically, and tends to turn sour at the end of the week.
Margaret Riviera. Overpriced. overpowering and overplanted. The drink that writes-off your taxes.
The Toad’s Tool. It’s meant to look like that.
I believe they change the menu board when the cold weather sets in – but not for the better…