Dib Dib Dib – Dob Dob Dob ‘Em In…


Okay, here is where I get blasted off the blogosphere by everyone. I have retreated into the bombproof dugout and sealed the gas curtain over the entrance. Here goes.

We need to get rid of the Boy Scouts of Australia. And the Girl Scouts. And the Girl Guides. And the Campfire Girls. And the Boy’s Brigade. And the Girl’s Brigade.

Why? Because there is no need to have so many organisations mutually opposed, exclusive, focussed, and funded in existence. No country needs a dozen youth-focussed groups in existence – when only two are needed:

  1. The Scouts. Simply that. Not the Boy Scouts of Upper Doodle and the Girl Scouts of Lower Infestia. Simply the Scouts. Boys and girls together. Keep ’em in separate tents when they are out freezing in the snow if you wish, but let them learn to tie knots and sell Christmas trees and cookies together. If you still wish to pretend they are in training as junior spies for the British Army in South Africa you can…by all means dissolve yourselves in a hazy warm nostalgia for the days of the Boer War. Perfectly normal, that. But stop making multiple bureaucratic empires to do it.
  2. The combination of male and female in the organisation of the adults will be beneficial too – the various troop leaders and pack mothers can yell at each other in the bunkhouses and leave the kids alone.
  3. Stop demanding special status for sex discrimination when you deny it to other secular organisations. If you keep it, admit you are running a religion or a cult.

You are wondering what the second organisation should be? Now that we have combined all the scouting and guiding ones? Well, consider that the Scout and Guide organisations have been engaged for over a century in benefitting  the community. Helpful, honest, hardworking, etc. And wearing scarves and funny hats. All good stuff. A force for general good. Newton explained that for every force there is an equal and opposite one. In this case we propose that the Backstabbers Guild of Australia establish a youth group; The Sneaks.

Oh, we are not trying to compete with the official spooks – though that would be fun if we can get enough grey suits and those earplug things that they are constantly tapping. We are trying to make a youth organisation that will promote the principles of treachery and discomfort. And do so in a safe environment.

It can feature all the little details of the opposition – the funny uniform that combines the schoolyard with the barracks – the copious amount of badging and visible symbolism – the arcane rituals and ritualistic words that serve as cement in the relationships between members. There can certainly be campfires, though the Sneaks may have to wait until after bushfire season is over before they light up. Or they can have them inside the Guild Hall. In any case they will be pushing each other into them…

Demerit badges? Perfect. Sneaky cookie sales? Fine – the cookies they sell will be made of sawdust. Helping old ladies across the road? Of course – particularly if they do not wish to cross the road. The possibilities are endless.

And the really good part of this is that the Sneaks will be all-inclusive. No restrictions on race, creed, colour, religion, sex, or anything else. If you wish to have one of each of the above you may, and the Sneaks will find a victim just for you.

Now the search must begin for a logo or symbol to use as the main Sneaks advertisement The Scouts have a Fleur de Lys as theirs – we’ll need an equally good one. We already have our patron.


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