Hi Ho, Hi Ho – It’s Off To Hell We Go…

12Zowie Cover Dec 55

That seems a little dramatic  – even for me. Also a great deal more religious than is my wont. Plus I really should not make fun of the Snow White movie. I don’t want to wake up and find Walt Disney’s head at the foot of my bed…

Actively distressing people as opposed to passively distressing them might be thought of as a more expensive task. A previous column detailed how one BGA member – the Right Evil Bastard – got up people’s nose by the simplest acts of daily existence. This one will contain a few hints upon enlarging this angst with inexpensive little tweaks.

To start with, be aware that this is no George Hayduke lecture. Revenge is of no interest to the Backstabber’s Guild of Australia. Revenge is re-active – we are pro-active.

Do you wish to cause a mild financial panic? Open a savings account with one of your local banks – preferably one that does not hold much of your cash. Put a little money in that account. Wait until the morning of Pension Day – preferably a wet morning when the bank will be crowded with old dears and geezers in wet raincoats. When you get to the front of the teller line, loudly, but politely demand all your money out of the bank. Use the terms ” Every Penny” and ” While You Still have Cash”. When you have your $ 140 paid out to you by the angry teller go back down past the line saying ” Well at least I’m alright. I got it out in time.”. None of the words you have used are illegal and no-one can stop you, but the rest of the day in that branch will be a memorable one. If it is a bank branch full of Asian people use the phrase ” Just like Shanghai, just like Shanghai…”. The locals won’t get it but the Asians will. Total cost: $ 0.00

Is your local petrol station run by computers? Of course it is – everything is run by computers these days. I’ll bet you have enough cards in your wallet or purse right now to go and play with the local servo. Get petrol, by all means, and a paper, and a Choc Wedge icecream and go to the counter. Put a card in the machine. When it asks for the account pick any one you like. Pick any PIN code you like. When the machine rejects it try again any number of times. Then try another card with a series of PIN’s and see if you can get a line of angry tradies and soccer mums stretched out behind you to the door fuming and swearing  – then put the right account and PIN in and get your receipt. As you go back down the line point at the subcontinental at the counter and say ” It’s all the bank’s fault…” Then duck out of the door and away. Leave the Choc Wedge to melt onto the newspapers… Total cost: tank of petrol which you needed anyway.

When someone presses political propaganda upon you on Facebook always refer the argument back to three key figures: Adolf Hitler, Kim Jong-Il, and Germaine Greer. This will galvanise most of them into insane foaming rhetoric and whatever poisonous memes that they can lay hand upon. If they are right-wing conservatives, champion Greer’s radicalism, if they are leftover communists praise Der Fuehrer’s economic reforms, and if they are rabid feminists demand that they firmly support the glorious male leader of the Korean people. It is a lot of fun watching them spin up to warp speed and emit sparks. Expect a thinner Christmas list, though.

More ideas after the new year. Say safe and remember to always get someone else to eat the first slice of cake.






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