Offensive Halloween Costumes Alert

Hallow

Well, Folks, we’re all in the poo again. We’ve just been complained about by some native americans for wearing Indian costumes at Halloween.

No. Wait. That was culturally insensitive. I really meant we have been complained about by some Native Americans for wearing Native American costumes at Halloween.

No. Wait. That was culturally insensitive. I really meant that some people have complained about some people who were wearing some clothing at the end of October.

No. Wait. We’ve got a few days to go until the 31st and there is still time to get in a hogshead* of angst and decant it out into convenient bottles:

  1. The Native Americans don’t like anyone wearing Indian costumes because they are Native Americans and no-one else is.
  2. Wearing cowboy costumes is also a little dodgy because that makes the NA’s offended as well.
  3. It also peaks the Mexicans up somewhat, according to another offended Facebook post – but nowhere near as much as wearing Day of The Dead makeup.
  4. Witch costumes annoy the fundamental church goers.
  5. Ghost costumes irk the atheists.
  6. Princess costumes raise the wrath of some women. Particularly the ones from Star Wars.
  7. Star Wars costumes are disdained by the Star trek crowd.
  8. Star Trek costumes are treated with equal contempt by the Star wars fans.
  9. Anything American offends people who hate anything American…even if it is fun. They are required to hate it on political grounds.

Our household has decided to avoid all controversy this year. We are not going to wear costumes from other ethnicities or religions. We are not going to pander to ancient superstitions or modern trendiness. We are not going to serve demeaning treats like Snickers bars or popcorn ( no decent-minded person could serve popcorn to a Latvian railway engineer who has a brother-in-law …not after The Incident…). We are going to have gluten-free vegan delights that are available upon a freely given basis and do not represent ransom paid to invasive superstitions – unless that is the majority vote of a freely-elected committee of small children running around the suburb with an LED torch in a pumpkin.

Aw, the hell with it. We’re gonna sit on the roof stark naked firing boiled lollies at passers-by with a large catapult. We’re gonna be the ones yelling Trick or Treat. Actually we’re gonna be yelling Run For It, Suckers. But in a totally non-discriminatory and eco-caring way.

*Relax, Moishe. Hogshead is a measure of volume.

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