How Is it I Do For Making To You The Scam, Matey? Is It? Helloooo…?


Apparently we are under attack yet again by the telephone scammers. I could not be more delighted.

We’ve all had them by now – the long pause and/or hiss, then the ever-so-slightly subcontinental voice telling us that they are from Microsoft and that we have a virus in our computer. And then we must go to the computer and turn it on and follow commands and tell them our credit card numbers…

Up until now this sort of thing has been exasperating – coming as it so often did while I was trying to cook dinner. It is hard enough to get something fried or grilled well if you have it under constant observation and intervention, but this becomes impossible if someone is Gunda Dinning it into our ears that we need to play with the computer.

My Indian and Malaysian and Singaporean readers will forgive me a certain cynicism in this – to be fair I will say that dodgy telephone calls really could come from anywhere in the world – even Brisbane – and the tricksters trying for that credit card number could be of any ethnicity at all. But they aren’t, are they…?

Perhaps this will change in the future now that I am retired from shop work and am writing and photographing here at home. I will be available all during the day and different time zones can dial up and try it on. I look forward to the Balkan and Russian adventurers. I shall practise my best fractured English to answer them. No profanity or bad language, mind. Kindness and concern will be my approach, but if I can lead the scammer to believe that English is only my third or forth language, that approach can be at 90º from the conversation and dead into the teeth of the prevailing wind.

My goal is to frustrate them so badly that they will explode in rage. I did achieve this once with an insurance sales lady from Melbourne by telling her that our family business was train robbery. If I did it to Melbourne, I can do it to Mysore or the Mekong delta…

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