The Consorting Squad


New South Wales once had a team of police officers known as the Consorting Squad. They were tasked with breaking up criminal gangs and racing frauds by use of anti-consorting laws. Convicted, known, or suspected criminals were thus rendered poisonous…as if they were not in actual fact…to other members of the public. This was meant to isolate them and cut their sources of sucker income. How well it worked is evidenced by the fact that New South Wales has no criminals whatsoever now and the people who think bad thoughts go and give themselves up at police stations…They’ve even disbanded the squad and handed in their truncheons.

Leaving aside this heart-warming situation, I am wondering if we now need another police task force with the same name. Only this time the laws it enforces will not be to prevent consorting with criminals – it will be to prevent consorting with stupid people.

The exact determination of stupid within the meaning of the Act may be a little complex but there will be some easy divisions. People who post game invitations on Facebook – as well as the ones that pass on quizzes that let you find out what your Aztec name would be are a given thing. We hope that the advent of the Consorting Squad will whisk them away.

Likewise the advocates of political candidacies in countries outside Australia – If we can neither vote for nor hang them from lamp posts we hardly need to add our comments to their campaign blurbs.

People who post pictures of themselves in bathrooms, or comatose at a fast food restaurant will be added to the list.

To be fair, not all human behaviour is stupid, and it will make for difficulties if the Squad is asked to target most religious organisations. If this were to be the case no-one would join the Squad for fear of over-work. There may be a little activity to suppress the tearing out of beating human hearts from screaming victims at the top of a stone pyramid but most normal confirmation Sundays will go ahead without attracting notice.

Once the gangs of stupid people have been broken up and their power to hold the populace in a grip of terror ceases ( ” Oh God! He’s going to show more kitten pictures! Run! Run! ) the rest of us should be able to recommence useful and productive lives.


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