Your New Car – Prepare To Be Seriously Angry

Gillam Drive 2014 259

Automobile manufacturers try to find new niche markets before their competitors know what they are doing. This accounts for many vehicles that we have all seen; the Nissan S Cargo, the Porsche Cayenne, and the Holden Malloo come to mind. Sometimes they succeed – sometimes they are just out there in the parking lot after the lights go off and the street sweeper makes the rounds.

The best commercial guess that they can make is based upon the emotions of the prospective buyer – sexy, sporty, secure, opulent…whatever the feeling is they wish to tap into, they can invent a rolling chassis and clad it with metal and plastic in the hopes of making a hit. They ALL hope to be the Model T maker but they never are – the best they can hope for is not to be the Trabant maker…

Well, now the major manufacturers are appealing to the common feeling that we all have of being unappreciated, misunderstood, and imposed upon. We all find that we are called upon to stand upon our dignity sometimes…and somewhat horrified when we discover that this results in it being wrinkled and covered in heel marks. Far better to speed away from the scene in a memorable way. Thus the following offerings from the trade:

1. The Hyundai Huff –  large and imposing sedan that makes you think of Margaret Dumont in her prime. It is a high-waisted, high-breasted, and high-minded vehicle that swirls away in a cloud of disapproval. The exhaust has been especially tuned to give off a Tut -Tut sound.

2. The Ford Flounce – this is a sportier vehicle with a far looser suspension that waggles as it accelerates. The colour of the paintwork is more vibrant in keeping witht the impression that it gives off -a car that lives in a town house in Subiaco on someone else’s money.

3. The Subaru Super Snit – a car for the ecologically-conscious urban critic. The man, woman,or Mount Lawley resident who wishes to make it known that they do not approve. And that they did not approve before you did not approve. And that their disapproval is of far greater consequence than yours could ever pretend to. But they will tolerate you…

4. The Toyota Tizzy – a smaller car, more of a micro car, really. Well, I mean to say, it would be, wouldn’t it. Is there any more wine? 850cc engine that runs on a mixture of patchouli oil and hair spray. Can also be converted for use as a pizza delivery van as long as the pizzas are gluten-free and do not contain dolphin meat. The Fremantle dealership is gearing up up big-time for this one. What’s that smell?

I have been alerted to this new departure in motor cars by a recent altercation in a Facebook group. I daresay there will also be suitable fashions, foods, and furniture that can also be turned to disapproving effect. I am thinking of marketing an artistic plaque that can be hung over the door saying ” How Dare You! “

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