Let’s Just Shoot the Whales and Be Done With It

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It seems that you cannot turn on the television any week of the year without being bombarded by singing and dancing contests or award ceremonies. Tonight the rest of the house is transfixed as the Eurovision Song Contest grinds on. As the year proceeds we’ll have Oscars, Tonys, Emmys, and Zekes. Actually that last one is a ring-in…I was thinking of a Japanese fighter plane. As it is, by the time this European freak show is finished I would welcome a little strafing as relief.

I suppose we must have it – the bread and circuses, I mean – and at least in the singing contests there are fewer sword fights and shootings than in the awards ceremonies. But why do we have to have them over the entire year? It seems like an unbroken highway of pain stretching out to the horizon…at least it does with the Eurovision.

Why not do the sensible thing and cut the puppy’s tail off in one go*. Find a large national stadium – there must be some corkers left over from the Beijing Olympics – and arrange to have the Oscars, Tonys, BAFTA, Eurovision, Pulitzer prizes, Australia’s Got Talent, Crufts, and whatever the latest crap that the French Canadians are peddling in Cirque de Soleil to take place all at once. One big show that goes as long as the paper in the stadium toilets holds out. It could not be worse than the things done separately and once completed would leave the airwaves free for pictures of kittens or gentle messages from the Dalai Lama.

* Figuratively. No puppies were harmed in the writing of this blog. Or whales.

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