Listen up, Ladies. You’ll learn how to do something right – shopping. This is MAN TALK.
1. Know what you want and why you want it.
In today’s example it is two pairs of black trousers for work – because the knees are going out of the old pair and the pistol pickets are getting holes in them from the fore sights. Yes, I’m glad to see you, but that is still a pistol.
If you don’t know what you want or why you want it, you don’t want it.
2. Know where to go and how to get there by the shortest route.
Target is three blocks over and they have a big car park. Even on Saturday morning there is parking space.
3. Know when to go.
10:30 in the morning. The doors are open, the clerks are awake and the shit has not yet had time to hit the fan. You are not making some poor bastard behind the counter starve through a lunch hour as you stand there debating out loud on whether to buy the peach or the puce.
4. Go quiet.
Leave the goddamned phone at home, in the car, or on silent mode. If it vibrates, enjoy the moment but don’t stand there in the middle of the shop loudly conducting your family business or evolving a new theory of transcendentalism.
5. Make up your mind.
If you need two pairs of trousers and they sell two pairs of trousers, buy two pairs of trousers. If you’re skeptical about them, try a pair on in the change room. If they fit, head for the checkout.
6. Listen up.
When they call you to the next available counter, be ready to go. Look upon it as your own personal little challenge – like standing in the door of the C-47 when the green light comes on. Jump, goddamnit.
7. Stump up.
Have your credit card, money, or roscoe ready when you get to the checkout. However you intend to pay for it, do not start fumbling around in your princess pack for the means to do so – have it ready. If you need to know your PIN number but you can’t remember your PIN number go to the bank and give the card back to the nice man and ask him to cut it up with scissors.
8. Move out.
Take the bag, box, or forklift pallet from the clerk and leave. Do not stand there repacking yourself for an expedition to Chad. There are other people behind you and they wish they weren’t.
9. Return to base.
You have what you need. Further aimless gawking means the chance of wasting your money on an impulse buy. If you need some sort of commercial dénouement stop by the bakery and get an apple slice. Take it home with you and make your own coffee – it will be far cheaper than sitting in the mall coffee shop.
That’s all for now. We’ll call you back in when it is the next time for MAN TALK. Now get back to work.