I Could Tell You But Then I’d Have To Kill You



I suspect that the title of this blog is a catch phrase from a motion picture made sometime in the last 15 years. It has cropped up occasionally in Facebook posts and other social media.

Spies? Criminal masterminds? Superheroes? I have no idea – I only go to the movies when there is an Aardman or Muppets  animated film. I enjoy the humour, and an extremely expensive choc-bomb ice cream ( last visit saw the price of the confection go well past a pint of imported ale…) and leave the cinema without feeling threatened in any way.

Not so today’s conversation with a customer -Kurt – on the phone about his credit card details. We got an invalid card message from ourEFTPOS machine and I called to sort it out. That all went well – our boss had written one digit down wrong –  a simple correction made it all work. The dire quotation came when I asked for the CVV number at the back of the card . This is an additional safety precaution that the bank institutes to make sure that the person quoting a card number over the phone is actually holding the card while they do it.

Okay, okay, I know what you are going to say…if the phone caller has stolen the card they can just as easily quote the number as the legitimate owner. This is to stop someone skimming the thing in a bar or whorehouse and then diving in for a quick score before the real card owner sobers up. Not a lot of security.

When I asked for the CVV, the client, Kurt, did provide it, but then went on to say that now he would have to kill me – that famous movie line. Ha ha ha…

Okay, Kurt. Thank you for the warning. If ever you come into the shop I will go out the back, barricade myself behind the waste cardboard bin, and draw a sharp pocket knife and a sturdy steel bar – ready for your assault. Try your luck, Kurt.

Ha ha ha.

Consider yourself lucky, Kurt. I used to own a Parker-Hale 3-band Enfield rifle. .577 bore. 500 grain Minie ball bullet. 60 grains of ff powder. I could hit a head at 300 metres 9 times out of 10 and as the range decreased it was possible to improve on that result. I don’t shoot any more, so you’re safe at 300 metres. So come on in…

Ha ha ha.


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