Automatically Optimising The Paradigm Of Your Website’s Brand-Geist Gestalt

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Or ” Don’t Step In The Umgawa…”

The days of attracting attention to yourself by the simple means of shouting whiskeys for the bar or disrobing in a bus shelter are far behind us. Nowadays we cannot be satisfied with the instant fame or notoriety that might extend no further than the pub verandah or the Magistrate’s Court – we have to be acclaimed by automatic programs buzzing away in a box somewhere in Berkeley. At least I hope it is Berkeley – I should hate to think I was dancing my life out for a computer in Seattle or Riga.

We can pay for fame, of course, though on a philosophical level that has always been the case. But nowadays you can do it with a credit card and get a receipt for it by email. You can pay to receive praise and recommendation and love. If you also get a warm burrito all is perfect.

Of course some people are misers. Too tight with the purse strings to pay for adulation. They still think that they will get their just desserts if they are upright and virtuous and hardworking and kind and all that sort of preachy shit. They may indeed get just desserts but these are likely to include nothing but canned fruit salad and Milk Arrowroot biscuits. And they will deserve it.

Just as you have to spend money to make money, you have to spend money to make celebrity. You cannot expect to be the name on everyone’s lips or browser if you do not pay someone handsomely for it. Oh, you might get there for a fleeting moment by mass murder or song styling but this will be gone as fast as someone else can get to their wallet. You would be lucky to be a punctuation mark on a footnote to an appendix to history by those means and it is likely to be an inflamed appendix at that.

Just whom you fee for this is a moot point. Some say that the internet is rigged by Wiki and some say by a former American Vice president. I know this to be false, as no American Vice President after Ford ever did anything at all. In any case, there are bureaux who will put forward your name and images  ( for a round fee ) to other bureaux who will shuffle the order in which the billions of entries are listed. If you pay enough, you get to advance from 45,000,000th in line to 44,000,099th. Sometimes you get a star sticker as well. The fact that no-one gives a good electronic God Damn about you is beside the point – you are still better than 45,000,000th. If you can entice a cat with a droop to pose for you so much the better.

Now as for me I intend to revel in obscurity. I will say terrible things about The Government( Any government…) without having to substantiate them, and even when events prove me wrong, I will still retain the ability to go back and edit my posts to change sides. As soon as I can figure out what the word “meme” actually means I intend to get one of those too – though I think it would be better value to invest in a bag of kittens and a bathtub full of jelly first. I know my audience.

 

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