Offended R Us – the Backstabber’s Guild Guide To Good Mannerly Behaviour


Here at The Guild we are keen to do our part to promote morality and right behaviour. And religious correctness and the spirit of watchful vengeance. And cucumber sandwiches.

To this end we have established the National Office Of Offence – hereafter referred to as NOOO – to serve the various communities of the world who might feel aggrieved…both those who claim to be seriously offended and those who might feel that they have not been offended enough. We seek to create harmony by redistributing the angst and distress, and make a profit in the meantime.

At present there is little point in offering our services to major religions. NOOO feels that they are doing all they can to take and cause offence and there is very little we could do to add to this. Likewise to former, current, and future super-powers – by the time they feel comfortable with having the term “superpower” applied to themselves they are so far down the road to perdition as to exhibit only tail-lights and a faint swirl of dust. No, NOOO is concerned with groups that have still to be quite so unhappy – we aim to increase this feeling for them.

Some savage nations are composed of smaller savage nations that either cannot completely murder their neighbours nor efficiently devise border posts and barbed wire so as to separate from them – sort of like political marriage partners. One drinks and the other nags, but they still sleep together. It is these people who are our best customers.

If they can find fault with their partners they can gain temporary ascendency. Villages can be razed and women and children taken into slavery. Treaties can be negotiated with western resource companies and eastern arms dealers and successful genocide contemplated. But of course this can switch in an instant – new mineral finds or a change in the arms dealer’s position in their respective gangs can mean that the slaughtered become the slaughtering. It is all difficult to justify unless there is some underlying offence to be taken – some causus nasti to be held up as the bodies are being removed from the burnt huts. This is where The Guild comes in.

We supply trained operatives who observe the media, religious assemblies, and social groups in the host country. Careful notes are taken of anything that might be unusual, and it is turned into fodder for the cannons…or machetes if there are no cannon. Just today our Operative #5 observed here in Perth that the large people-mover vans known as Maxi Taxis can be used as a violent insult toward a Mediterranean culture by the simple means of reading the Maxi Taxi backwards in the rear-view mirror of the car. It becomes Ixat-Ixam – as deadly an insult in the Ipoagonian community as can be imagined – and the sure cause, if marketed  efficiently, of several school massacres. These in their turn can be used to justify the withdrawal of milk subsidies in a large part of the Southwest.

The Guild can benefit from the Ipoagonians by the way of spotters fees. If successful, the schools will need both funereal and rebuilding services, and the SW Milk Board can be trusted to pay to have it all hushed up.

And many more profitable examples come readily to mind. Can we really tolerate The Fairy Shoppe and Baskin Robbins while Beaurepaires and Marlowes Auto Spares exist? I think not.

In conclusion, we will be eternally grateful if interested parties would contact the BGA with examples of offence they would like to give or redress. We will do our best o promote all aspects of this, and provide an affordable, professional level of distress. You know it makes sense.



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