Kindness And Coronets vs Arsenic And Old Lace

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If you recognise either of those films in the title of this blog you are as old as I am. Not as good looking, possibly, but then so few are…

This has nothing whatsoever to do with the blog save to introduce New Year’s Advice from the Backstabbers Guild Of Australia. This time of year, between the Western New Year and the Chinese New Year*, is packed with reminiscences, remonstrations, reports, and ratbaggery. I monitor Facebook and note the cut-and-paste follies that pop up. Sometimes I respond, but am in danger of being edited out by the posters as being too mean for words. This is silly – I’m mean but there are plenty of words for it – crotchety and sardonic come to mind.

But on to the advice. Long-time members of The Guild will recognise the following as an excerpt from the canon.

1. Do unto others what they would probably do unto you. If you do it first you may forestall them.

2. Never admit to anything – even to yourself. If you can fool you, you can fool anyone. After all, you know you best.

3. Be loyal. Be kind. Be moral. Be sincere. If you can fake these four points you can get ANYTHING.

4. Never put off until tomorrow someone you can distress today.

5. If you allow yourself to be bought off, do not give discount. You may or may not elect to provide a receipt and a tax invoice, but insist upon the full market price. Be cautious about card transactions.

6. No-one loves a cry-baby. Which means they turn away in disgust and avoid you in public places. You don’t have to buy them drinks or hear about their trip to Thailand again. Burst into tears and get a little time to yourself.

7. Whatever you write on the internet will never go away. It will go to Langley, Virginia, Stockholm, the current version of the KGB, and your employer, but not away. Make the most of the opportunity. Hey, Langley!

8. If it is too good to be true, it is neither.

9. Cut and paste is a perfectly valid form of intellectual expression. When you are 5. After that you need to start thinking for yourself.

10. When someone says “Don’t take this the wrong way.” they are hoping that you will take it the wrong way, and that they will get away with being mean to you without consequences.

*Canadian New Year advice is generally centred around ” Don’t lick lamp posts…”.




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