Tis the season to be holly. Fa la repeatedly. In the spirit of giving gifts, the BGA wishes to provide wholesome and kindly advice for its members. No charge will be made for any of this, but remember that annual contributions to the coffers are due in January. And you do NOT want to stiff the BGA…
1. Christmas food is wonderful on Christmas Day. It is pretty darn good on Boxing Day. You can eat it on the 28th if you’re careful.
Long about March that turkey carcass becomes a very bad idea, and you would be well advised to be rid of it before then. There are plenty of people who sent you real-estate proposals in the mail all year and return postage is cheap enough…
2. When the friends and family gather for the festivities remember to shoot low as they may be riding Shetlands.
3. Office party. Office. Not orifice. Many careers have been shortened because of this basic mistake.
4. Make a careful note of who gave you what and what you gave to other people. Keep the list from year to year and try to find the patterns as the develop. If someone always gives you glassware, it is because they like glassware – you can court their affections by giving them glassware. This is basic toadying and should be simple to do.
If you receive awful dreck as a present, send a sincere thank-you note and file it away for re-gifting. Nothin’ says lovin’ like sendin’ it back next year. Try to wrap it in the same pattern of paper that was originally used. Do it with a straight face or a sweet smile – depending on what you can manage at the time.
5. Drink in small doses increases merriment. Drink in medium doses increases agression. Drink in large doses elicits some surprisingly candid admissions and guilty secrets. Drink soda water while all about you are doing vodka shooters and keep your ears open…
6. Christmas television is special. It is regular television with the good taste and intelligence boiled out of it. If you can watch 2 hours of it without crying you can withstand North Korean interrogations.
7. Six days after Christmas comes New Year’s Eve. Sort of like a train robber following a mugger. You would do well to find out the most crowded and seedy part of town, dress in garish garments, drink alcohol, and drive your car there with the lights out. Not.
8. No-one wants to receive a present that has been badly wrapped. Kevlar tape and Gorilla Glue are cheap enough.
9. Some people are sad at Christmas. Cheer them up and be kind to them. The nervousness you will engender in them for the rest of the year is reward enough.
10. Remember that Christmas trees that have not been knocked over by 12th night are a sure sign that the household does not own a cat, dog, or child.