A Law-Abiding Public Nuisance


I have been casting about for a plan for next year – I turn 67 and I am starting to suspect that I should retire after April before I explode with rage at work. We have been undergoing a year of computer transition that has proved to be ….problematical…and prospects of it becoming better are dim. Oh,I do have more skill with it than at first, but there are always new complexities that arise and eventually I am going to be overwhelmed by the sheer nonsense.

Before that I may succumb to the behaviour of the clients. I do not cope that well any more with the greedy, rude, and entitled, and I fear that I am going to contravene the conventions of retail trade one day in a big way.

Once this happens, and I have been dismissed, and they have applied the burns ointment  and psychiatric treatment to the customer who finally did it…I will be looking for a reason to get up every morning and to stay out of jail. I think I will take up the position of law-abiding public nuisance.

I shall drive at 59 KPH in the 60 zone. I shall keep to the left on escalators. I shall queue at the Vietnamese bakery for the vanilla slices and not push in – and more to the point; I shall not allow anyone else to do so either. I shall slow down behind cyclists but if they cross the road against the lights or veer over to the wrong side of the road I shall pursue them with invective. I will deface real-estate agent’s advertisements on bus shelter seats with amusing stickers. I will re-shelve books at the library that are out of order in the Dewey system.

I shall correct Dutchmen and Yorkshiremen whenever I encounter them. With a stick, if necessary.

I shall publicly ridicule cargo pants and rubber/canvas trainers on anyone over the age of 24. Also earrings on anyone other than females or Portuguese sailors. Baseball caps worn any place other than a baseball diamond during an actual game will be the targets of lumps of coal.

I shall campaign to have the $ 32 pub meal outlawed upon the grounds that it is un-Australian.

This may not seem like a comprehensive lifestyle, but I intend to pursue it…or something very like it…once I have retired. Either that or take pictures of models.

Note: the heading image is of Redmina The Magnificent – the reason samba has become the national sport.



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