You Only Have Yourself To Blame


Why? Because no-one else will stick round long enough to share it. Moral of this is learn to recognise the signs  of impending doom and edge closer to the door…

This is one of the useful maxims in the new Backstabber’s Guild Of Australia book ” Moral Responses To The Questions Of The Times ” that is due for publication in January. The title may not seem too interesting at first but remember that this is a book that is made to resemble a discarded school text of the 1950’s – it has a faded grey cloth cover and stains on the back. No-one would give it a second glance on a bookshelf and it can be left in full view in any pile of discards and will never be disturbed. Just as well – in addition to valuable advice for the novice, there is an extremely sharp six-inch folding knife sewn into the binding. You can fell a stranger in a bus shelter in the wink of an eye and no-one will glance at you as you walk away.

Getting back to the printed matter, the business of guilt has occupied philosophers for millenia. It has featured as the foundation stone of many fine religions and has proven to be a sure-fire investment for many priests, rabbis,and mullahs. It has provided shelter, bread, raiment, and pussy for many thousands of people-herders. It can serve the backstabber equally as well.

FInding out who is guilty of something can sometimes be difficult, but there are professional armed forces and private firms who undertake this all the time. You can pay to find out, openly or secretly – but don’t try to sneak  this information away from the professionals for free. It is not easy to do and always more costly in the end – pay the bribe cheerfully and take your information away. It is a legitimate cost of doing bad business.

If you do not wish to find out actual guilt you may elect to think out a perpetrator first and then fix a crime to them. This can be simpler and it means that you can be ready with the hush-money demand at precisely the right time. Of course if you intend only to expose someone and blight their existence you can tailor the frame to any dimension you like. Sometimes it is more satisfying to show someone picking their nose at a stop-light on YouTube and sometimes it is better to have them naked on a billboard in Roe Street. The experienced backstabber will get a feeling for this over the years.

Sometimes people do not feel guilty at all until you make them so. This is particularly the case with people from different nations and cultures. The normal behaviour in French Indochina, say, may be peculiar but not illegal here – but if you present it to the visitor in the right way, you can set their mind aflame with shame. Making lists of ” Things visitors should never do in…” is always helpful. If you set out 9 obviously offensive things and then slip something innocuous in like tapping your right foot or glancing at a clock before 10:00 AM you can get the most hardened immigrant nervous. If you then jump on them with indignant howls when they do it, you have them. Language is no barrier to this – and fortunately with Asians you are taller than them and you have a longer nose – you can look down it and sniff.

Remember also that the reverse guilt trip with the slow-speed brush-off is one of the most sophisticated of techniques. When you deliberately go to someone and apologise to them sincerely, but don’t say clearly why, you raise in them the spectre of an injury or loss that they are unaware of. If your wingman then sympathises with them, but is called away before the specifics of the offence can be mentioned, it confirms the case. And then they are left to ask everyone else what has happened…and to examine everything about them to see where the fault is. With luck they will find some flaw in their happiness and will become outraged. You then become outraged yourself and demand an official investigation. With luck they will be jailed in a week.

And they have only themselves to blame…




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